Fear

Had this blog post open for a while, just empty with the title of 'fear', it's something I wanted to write about but really didn't want to say something stupid, but that has often not stopped me so here we go here we fucking go this is a blog about fear, and, really, specifically, mine. My fear, as an amalgamation of different fears combined into one overall fear, a subprime mortgage fear package if you will, is going to be different than yours. My fear, you could say, isn't really as valid or as worrying as, perhaps, another persons fear, because I live in a relatively safe environment and don't have to deal with physical threats or any kind of intimidation. I don't fear for my life, or physical or mental well being. I am safe, I am secure, I don't experience discrimination. My fears are just my fears, and I want to talk about them, but first of all I just wanted to say what I said, as I think it's important. But, like everyone, I don't experience a fear free life. Maybe some people do, I have no idea, I just know that I get scared over some things, I worry, and fear stops me from doing things. When it comes to fear, I am only qualified to write about my own, and maybe even then, maybe not?

"Fear"

So it's a big subject, it's complex, even for one person. Maybe especially for one person. And I probably wont get into even beyond surface levels of my fear, I think that might be therapy. No, I just wanted to simply blog about some things that I am scared to do, some things that I might not even do because of fear, and some things that I do do, in spite of fear. I guess that might even be called brave, and, I think, we all commit acts of bravery during our lives, because we all do things we are scared to do, we are all brave, and maybe that's OK to say. Anyway, on we go, to some surface level fear chat, as I had some time and wanted to write (more on that later). For some reason I will give these fears a rating and a heading that rhymes, probably from a fear of being too serious and always making jokes to cover my insecurity

Scared to die

Yes, perhaps my number one fear is popping off my mortal coil. Lords in heaven, deers on frozen lakes,  that's a scary thought. Most folks have this one, I am sure, I mean, I know I do, what a terrible thing to worry about, the inevitable, and to be honest, I try not to think about this one too much at all, but it's there, best to keep busy and worry about the smaller things you can do something about that the big thing you can't in my humble opinion. But yes, I have a fear of death and it's a big one because I like life, maybe I should use this fear to live my life to the fullest I can? Anyway, religion exists, doesn't it? On to some more fears I can do things about, lords the scared to die thing is a fucking horror, fucking hell. Fuck this. Fear rating 10/10 ultimate fear, the foundation of a lot of fears this is it at least that's out of the way

Scared to fly

I have a fear of flying and didn't fly for 16 years at one point, ruining many opportunities (which of course I was lucky to have) and reducing my life experience. I fly now, it doesn't hold me back, but I hate it with a passion, particularly the take off, my frozen lake deer lords, how I hate that. When I first started flying again, the doctor gave me 'pills for me nerves' but I didn't like the way they made me feel, so I stopped with them and have been on loads of flights since, all over the world, and every single take off is an unmitigated horror show, and sometimes, if it's bad, I warn the people sitting next to me. I have got the panic down to just 30 mins or so, from when the taxiing starts to when the plan levels off, and it's 30 mins of pure pure fear, I am sure it takes days off my life. I lean forward to try and counterbalance the angle of the plane which can also look a little strange to people who are not forewarned. This one time, by chance, when I was flying to London, a colleague ended up sitting next to me and took off her shoes for the take off, and when I leaned forward to to the counterbalancing thing, I learned that she had quite pungent smelling feet. Still, the fear was more powerful than the smell, and there I was, breathing in someone else's feet aromas. That's what fear can do to you, as an example. Fear rating 6/10 because it doesn't stop me doing anything

Scared to cry

By this I mean scared to share my innermost thoughts and fears with someone for fear of being rejected. Did you know that I only really had my heart well and truly broken in my forties? Well that was just happenstance, of course I have loved and shared my fears and love with my partners, but I was never properly and totally rejected, and now I have a new fear, a brand new fear, kind of, and that's to be hurt in that way again. I am not scared to cry, I just used that as a header because it rhymes of course, and I am still sharing my love and fear with my current partner, but I am hella scared now because I have been hurt from doing so, but that is the price of doing this kind of business, and made me more mindful of my actions in the past, which I can do nothing about of course apart from learn from them. I now think that being in love is like giving someone your heart in a glass box, they could smash it at any moment, and that is scary, but maybe I am more scared of being alone, of not loving, and that fear overrides the fear of being rejected perhaps. Fear rating 9/10 one for the therapy

Scared to apply

There are so many things I have not done, wanted to, but haven't, because I was scared to fail, scared that I wouldn't be able to do it, and didn't because of fear. I won't go into what they are specifically, but yes there are regrets and time ticks on, and I might well have missed out completely through fear. Again, yes, I have been immensely privileged in my life to have had such opportunities. There are some things I am trying out now that I had been scared to do before, like, specifically, writing more, which I really like doing, am doing now, but didn't do too much of in the past because I was worried that people would say, Robert, that's not very good. Well now I don't care that much, I mean, of course I care, if everyone said what I wrote was shit I would probably stop, but getting a little bit older has meant that harsh comments are taken with a broader perspective, and those shouldn't stop me doing something that I want to do, unless it hurts someone, of course, and I hope my words don't hurt! Fear rating 7/10 it is what it is and I am working on it

Scared to not buy

The fifth and final fear I have is a low grade fear, but really it's FOMO, it's a whisky fear and has led to some negative emotions such as disappointment and even anger. It's a fear I feel very comfortable talking about because it's a fear I feel I have mostly conquered but not quite, but I wanted to end the 'five fears' on a positive note and FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) is something I have made some progress on for sure. I remember being absolutely gutted on missing out on some SMWS releases, really down, and that's not a place I want to be if possible, if I can avoid it. Some perspective was applied and now if I can't get something I want, that's fine, I am not short of whisky and I always spoiled for choice when it comes to opening a new bottle (that's an upcoming blog actually). A life lesson in there too, I think, for me at least, to be somewhat content with what you have, and a realisation that some of your fears can be dealt with, things that cause you stress when they should be causing you delight should be looked at. I think I applied this to football support as well, it really is just a game, it's meant to be fun, not meant to bring you down. Yes, I do still have some FOMO, but it's nowhere near as bad as it was, and when it happens I can identify it, look at it objectively, and shut that FOMO down! Fear rating 3/10 well done me but will remain vigilant!

"Thank you"

So that was very much a brief look at some of the things that scare me. I didn't mention balloons (I could have under the flying section) or public speaking (I could have under the apply section) and probably a whole load of other stuff but I didn't, because really I just wanted to talk about fear overall I guess and that's OK. I hope this blog finds you well, and living your life with slightly less fear than you did yesterday but if not then really that's not for me to comment on other than saying thank you for reading and you have my support. Take care dear reader!