Don't read this

 

A blog they don’t want you to read

Have you ever bought a whisky? If so, then the following blog is for you. This blog is about buying whisky, something which, if you answered yes to my question, is obviously of interest to you, and I think you are in the right place because in this blog I am going to talk about buying whisky. I’m not going to talk about absolutely everything about buying a whisky, but I am going to talk about a few things, about buying a whisky. So, without further ado, the first thing I am going to talk about, with regards to buying a whisky, is

MONEY

Yes, that’s right, in order to buy a whisky, you need money. Money is something that we all have, to lesser and greater extents. Money is important, money is power and having more money means you have a greater voice in the world. Having more money when it comes to buying whisky means you can afford to buy fancy whiskies, older whiskies, whiskies that are not as common as other whiskies. Having lots of money means you can jump right in to anything you want and become a voice.

I’m going to tell you right now that I dislike money. I hate it as a concept, it creates imbalance and hunger, poverty by definition, money sucks, and spending money is a massive responsibility. I spend money on whisky. And the amount I spend on whisky is too much, it’s reckless, I misspend, I am not very good with money. But it looks like we are kinda stuck with money just now, even though its worship is destroying the planet and the feverish devotion to stockpiling it by some, costs lives. I’ll go as far to say money is evil, it’s the fucking devil, it’s satan on crack, laughing in your face while it takes a chainsaw to your genitals and a razor to your eyeballs after kidnapping people you hold dear. Fuck money, and if money was a person I would block them on Twitter. If money was a person I would tell all my friends that money said bad things about them behind their backs, that money looks down on them and that money took a shit in their garden. And I would be 100% right!

In fact, I’m going to make some specific statements about money and whisky. These are just statements that I have come up with, just now, because I’m fucking raging (definitely not hungover) and I want to put them down before I forget. These are whisky rules, my whisky rules, and I believe in them 100%

Rule number one – If you are spending over 50 euro/pound/dollars or whatever on a whisky, you better be aware of the fact you are a fool

Rule number two - If you are spending over 100 euro/pound/dollars or whatever on a whisky, you better be aware of the fact you are a massive fucking fool

Rule number three - If you are spending over 200 euro/pound/dollars or whatever on a whisky, you better be aware of the fact you are in league with beelzebub, you should be ashamed, you are an idiot, what happened to you, where did it go wrong, sort yourself out, spend that money in a better way, you fucking idiot fool, no whisky is worth that amount of money fuck you fuck you fuck you

I will admit, these are probably not going to be popular rules but, I would counter that, by saying people are looking for 'direct talk'. Fortune favours the brave, and this brave man is telling you to go fuck yourselves you fucking idiots, don’t spend lots of money on whisky, you stupid stupid set of garden utensils. Spend that money on something better, spend it on things that help, spending too much money on whisky is fucking stupid and you are a fucking stupid fucking fool :(

FORGIVENESS

You should also learn to forgive yourself for breaking those three rules, even if you were not aware of them beforehand. I break them, people who buy whisky regularly often break them, and that’s a fair amount of people. It’s OK to be a fucking mindless gibbering moron, a dirt eating trash bear, it’s OK. I am one, and in some regards, we all are one. Money makes us this way, because there is usually always a better way to spend our money. It’s not your fault, it’s money’s fault. I forgive you, and I hope, in turn, you might forgive me too. I’m sorry for calling you names, I genuinely am. I’m sorry.

Once you have learned to forgive yourself, then, and only then, should you consider buying a whisky. Because then, safe in the knowledge you are probably doing the wrong thing, can you make a better purchase. It’s like choosing between your electricity suppliers or buying a plastic toy for a child, there are some least bad options available to you. You can buy average whisky for 100 purchasing units or really good whisky for 100 purchasing units. Yes, you have just broken rule 2. And let’s be honest here, you were always going to break it, and that’s ok, you dullard. You absolute wheelbarrow. Forgive yourself, and forgive others.

 

COMPASSION

Now I’m just making stuff up, but that’s OK, because if you think about it, everything is. Now that we have established you, an idiot, has money, and you, a fool, has forgiven yourself for spending that money on extravagant whisky, like you are living in the roaring twenties like some fucking Great Gatsby type and you don’t give a fuck, the very least you can be, is compassionate about it all. Be kind, you awful person, be nice. Not everyone has lots of money, not everyone can afford to buy that whisky that will change your moronic life for a few minutes or hours, so don’t be a git about it. These companies have tricked you, yes they have, so I strongly suggest, at the very least, you apologise and don’t do any more harm that you are already doing. Compassion in whisky purchasing is perhaps one of the most important things I want to get across here, it’s a lesson for us all to learn. You are a terrible human being, I dislike you strongly, please, be nice to each other at the very least you fucking howling monsters. You are rubbing your purchase in the face of every decent person on this earth, and all the animals too, so show some damn compassion about it.

And that’s it really. I will say that, yes, I have written this blog without a hangover and I will probably delete it later, but I wanted to get this off my chest because it's been bothering me lately.

Drink Responsibly - Responsibility.org