Dear friends, as we start to book our tickets for whisky festivals in the coming months ahead, I thought it would be a good idea to make a little list of things that you should and should not be doing at these events. Following these 'do and do nots' will, in my humble opinion, give you a much better experience and leave you, and others, with a much better feeling afterwards, in your hearts and in your heads. So then, without much further ado, I will present a list of topics on which I will tell you what you should be doing, and, conversely, what you should not be doing. I hope you enjoy reading this, and I hope this generates discussion, which is, really, what these things are all about. So then, and indeed, here we go, here we fucking go!
Before you even get to the event
DO - Shower, brush your teeth and comb your hair. If you can, dab a little bit of whisky behind your ears to 'get you in the mood'. I've often said, going to a whisky festival is very much like reversing a heavy goods vehicle around a corner. Nerve racking, intimidating and nothing can really quite prepare you for it, so make sure you 'get your licence' and are properly trained before you even think about 'getting behind the wheel'. One last tip, and you will see why shortly, is to dress in somewhat drab colours. Grey is ideal.
DO NOT - Make a plan. There is a temptation, of course, to plan ahead based on the information you already have, such as which distillery or company stands are available and where they are and which ones to go to first. Maybe you think you will attend the dinner you paid for at 5pm. You might even set alarms on your mobile device to remind you to drink water, or to make sure you have only a certain amount of drams per hour. Let me tell you now, you should go into a whisky festival with no plans at all. The same for Glastonbury. Let the spirits guide you, open yourself up to the moment. Be led, be tempted, gaze at shiny things, do something unscripted. This is a whisky festival, not a tour of Hogwarts at the Warner Bros Studio, open yourself up to the water of life! Plans are for nerds.
Upon entering the event
DO - Enter the event demurely, without causing a scene. Try to look inconspicuous as possible, avoiding eye contact with anyone and keeping your distance as best you can. Hopefully you will have taken my tips regarding not wearing any bright colours, and this should help you blend in. People are not coming to whisky festivals to have their eyes dazzled by a blaze of yellow or shocking pink, they are there to focus on the whisky. So please do arrive with this in mind. What to wear, for your information, is a section covered in more detail later on.
DO NOT - Shout out 'I'm here, it's me, yes my friends, I am back I am back, funtime Bobby is in the house let's get this fucking party started, here we go, here we fucking GO!' Do not, under any circumstances, go to a whisky festival without a ticket either. You wouldn't do that at Cheltenham.
Approaching a stand
DO - Approach a stand directly, face on. Walk up to the stand, and if there are people before you, wait until they are finished and move on before you take their place in what could be called 'a queue'. Take note of those who are waiting with you, and make sure that people who arrived before you at the stand are taken care of before you are taken care of!
DO NOT - Approach from the side, sneaking in like a weasel. And, I can't believe I have to say this, but never approach a stand 'from the rear'. Approaching a stand from behind is the height of rudeness, and can cause major troubles. I've not heard of anyone approaching a stand from 'below' or 'above' but there is a first time for everything I guess.
Speaking to people at a stand
DO - Be kind, respectful, interested and willing to listen. There might be some instances where you know more about the subject in hand than those behind the stand but knowledge is like sand and they are representing the brand so make sure you are grand or else you might end up getting banned by a demand from those in command.
DO NOT - Pressure those at the stand to give something that they are not immediately offering by claiming you are important in some regard or another. Do not, under any circumstances, grab a bottle from the stand and begin pouring yourself a dram. In fact, don't touch any of the bottles on the stand, without asking first. This is their stand, not yours, and you should ask permission before moving or adjusting anything on the stand. Do not treat those who are standing with any disrespect, or like an insect, and if your festival is in Utrecht, select the perfect direct aspect of the subject and never interject.
What to talk about other than whisky
DO - Talk about Jeremy Corbyn. I have prepared the following text that you should memorise, as and when the topic will inevitably come up, or indeed, when you make it come up, as you should do. The instance below, taken from 'real life', was inserted by me 3 minutes into a conversation about a British comedy show
"The mental gymnastics required to keep on disliking Corbyn or say stuff like 'yeah he is right on everything but he is just not a leader' is amazing to watch but understandable because the alternative is to realise that you are living in a construct that actively works against poor and minority people in order to keep rich people rich. That it extends through all levels of the establishment, from the police force, the press, the army and even the health service and school system.
It's much easier to say 'Corbyn bad' and simply go on with your life with these evil institutions operating as if nothing has happened, so much more difficult to stand up and say, wow, we couldn't even have some nice things, because that would have meant some minor wealth distribution and some equality. Still trusting these institutions that lied, smeared and conspired against anti-racism and social justice are you? I suggest you should not. That is my opinion on the BBC, which is what we were just talking about, in a way. Blackadder was on the BBC, wasn't it?"
DO NOT - Let any person you talk to get away without them knowing they live in an unequal and unjust society. This is why you are here, comrade, to recruit, to influence, to make changes at every level. Never give up, never stop talking about the injustices that people face all over the world. Peace for everyone. Justice for everyone!
Traditions to follow
DO - At the festival entrance, you’ll notice festival goers dipping their fingers into a container of 'communal whisky'. This whisky is a reminder that the 'acqua vitae', or 'water of life' is made by many people, not just one person. Respectfully dip your fingers in, and flick the whisky at the person standing behind you.
If you wish to drink the communal whisky yourself, you are welcome to do so, and in fact are encouraged, but most seasoned festival goers don't do this due to 'sanitary reasons' and the infamous case of the 'browns' at TWE festival 2014
DO NOT - Drink whisky that has had peoples fingers in it, or drink from other people glasses
Taking drugs
DO - Take drugs. Going to a whisky festival high on drugs is very much recommended by most experts. Most folks at whisky festivals will have a 'wee line' or a 'toke' before entering.
DO NOT - Do not not take drugs. It's dangerous to drink whisky without being high on drugs, as confirmed by many medical experts
What to drink first, and last
DO - Drink whatever you want in whatever order you want. There is a myth that has circulated in whisky circles for years, perhaps forever, that peated or smokey whiskies should be consumed last, and more gentle, subtle whiskies taken first, however recent research has shown this to be nonsense. Having an Octomore as your first dram is completely fine, and in some cases, like if you are feeling a bit down, actually recommended. Also, as you now have this 'truth' and depending on the time of the day, you might find that some stands that have the more peated drams are more accessible!
DO NOT - Start drinking peated whiskies first. They should be left towards the end of your festival. Focus on the older and perhaps more subtle drams at the start, progressing to the more smokey variants towards the end!
What to wear
DO - A festival is meant to be attended in your 'Sunday best.' Although you won’t be turned away for wearing flip-flops and a mankini, you might get one or two looks. At a minimum, wear a button-down shirt with slacks or a dress. After all, a whisky festival is a 'holy event', so dress modestly by covering your skin as much as possible.
DO NOT - Wear a mankini to a whisky festival, or any kind of 'kini'
Taking pictures
DO - I would like to take a moment to reflect on something called ‘surveillance culture’, which is the idea that we are constantly being watched. Now, while this might conjure up an image of CCTV cameras in the streets and laptop cameras being used without our consent in a kind of Orwellian all encompassing oppression via the state and private business, we should take a moment to consider that we might actually be engaging in a kind of surveillance ourselves, perhaps unwittingly. Taking pictures and posting them on 'the socials' in todays data hungry and data driven world is something to consider, especially during festivals where a single snap could contain many people faces. Do take pictures of the bottles, and people who are being paid to speak, while they are speaking, of course.
DO NOT - Take a picture of someone in an embarrassing moment or accidently pulling a face and put it on social media with unflattering commentary. If you are going to take pictures of crowds with peoples faces in them, have the decency to be decent!
Leaving the festival
DO - Make sure that you have transport planned when you leave the festival, be it public or private. You should have, at the very least, an idea how you are going to get home, or to your hotel, or to wherever you are going next. Alcohol can affect your ability to make good decisions, and a decision like leaving the festival is one that should not be taken lightly.
DO NOT - Go to the pub. This is very important. Once you have finished a whisky festival, you should be going somewhere were you can lie down or at least sit down and listen to whale music or some kind of chilled out beats. Would you go for a jog after you finished a marathon? Of course you wouldn't, you would find a place where you could relax and be sick in comfort, same goes for whisky festivals.
The day after
DO - Make sure that you have a day off if possible following the event. Going to work or having something annoying to do like paving a driveway can be rather stressful post festival. If you did it right, you would have had around 300 drams, something that would require a day off the next day, that's for sure!
DO NOT - Think about the embarrassing things you said or did, that's not going to help anyone is it? Did you make a joke about it being windy on Islay and how 'Bowmore' should be called 'Blowmore', having it fall flat? Don't worry about it, you aren't that important, people won't be thinking about you at all! Nothing means anything, this is all pointless.
So then, I would like to thank you, as always, for reading my blog! I hope these tips will bring you to a better experience at these festivals, which are always, for me at least, a great experience and a superb way to share knowledge and make friends and spread the good word of JC. Take care of each other, and take care of yourself. As the great Scottish Rugby legend Gavin Hastings once said to me in a dream "You can save a life. Your own!"
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