You might not have thought this about me, tbh I am not 100% sure what anyone thinks of me really, but, and this is true, and not many people know this, but, and I am not lying here, and I never would, and this really is just a simple fact I am stating here, I'm just stating facts so there is no need to get emotional about anything, like the sky is blue or the sea is purple, just facts, nothing more but definitely nothing less, and that's an important distinction to make, and I am making it, because it's important, but I am, and let me finish, please, please, I am very experienced in the world of dating and I would like to give you, my precious reader, some tips, if you should ever find yourself in the world of dating, be it online, or indeed, offline, or any combination of any factors, these tips should 'see you right' in some sense of those words and I just want to give you my tips, from my experience and I think they are probably very true no matter what dating we are talking about here, here are my tips, my dating tips, for those looking to get back 'into the swing of things' or perhaps even, those who are not having much luck on the dating scene. These tips should still apply, even during COVID times, they are a 'universal' set of tips, unlike, say, a series of pledges designed to get you elected leader of a political party only to be dropped in a hot minute. That is to say, I believe in them.
Be Kind and Really Nice
A lot of dating issues stem from people not being kind and really nice. You should be kind and nice when you start to date someone, and later you can be all kinds of fucked up and yourself but at the start you really should be kind and nice to the person you are dating. The idea behind this is that you are potentially seeking romance with this person, and being kind and nice to someone really helps in this regard. You can say nice things, do kind things, and those things can really be anything as long as you can, with your hand on your heart, say that the thing you did or said was nice. If you are unsure you could always ask Twitter and I'm pretty the folks on there will tell you if you ask them, Twitter loves giving dating advice, oh they do, they really do LMAO. This isn't a foolproof method, none of this stuff is, but, as a professional (this is true I have been on so many dates) I'm telling you, being kind and really nice helps. If you are seen to be 'nice and kind' to others on your dates, this is also a plus, as your date will perhaps notice this and think, oh, this person is 'nice and kind'. Statistically, when asked, most people look for 'nice' and 'kind' when they are seeking someone to 'get involved with'.
Have a story about rescuing someone
It helps if this is true, and it can be about anyone or even an animal or any kind of rescue from any kind of thing, but this shows that you care about other people and that you are willing to go out of your way for other people or even an animal. My story is private, but it's really good and the trick is to work it into a situation. An example, here, for you
Person you are dating: These starters look interesting, I wonder what they have done to elevate 'tomato soup' it's quite expensive and it just says 'tomato soup'. Twelve spending units for a tomato soup, it must be good, what do you think?
Me: I think I will have the bruschetta, SAVE myself some money lol btw talking about saving, I once saved a dog from a river and the owner tried to pay me but I wouldn't accept the money, such a cute little dog it was, kept on licking me and wagging it's tail. In the end I ended up making a donation to a charity that rescues dogs. I will have the fish for main, I think.
Person you are dating: Wow
Listen to the person and what they are saying
This is perhaps the most difficult thing, this is probably the most advanced level stuff I will talk about, but yes, fucking hell, asking questions and seeming genuinely interested in the responses works a treat, but it's so fucking hard because so many people are simply boring as shit and speak about boring stuff goddamit but you have to pretend to be interested in their stuff, if you want to date them. I've thought about this a lot and one way to look at it is, some people might actually find the stuff you say boring but if they pretend to be interested in it without looking fake about it, it's quite nice actually and you feel positively to them, so why not try it the other way around I am telling you this as a professional it fucking works it really does but requires 'some acting chops'. This is also why actors are so successful on the dating scene. I'm not saying you should take acting lessons but it really wouldn't hurt it just depends on how much effort you are willing to put in. Up to you.
Own a smart wallet that can tell the time and see into the future
This is absolute basics, and really I am talking about having an assistant like the one in the film 'Her' that can tell the time and see into the future, such an amazing film with a twist, and the twist being that the assistant can see in to the future, I never saw it coming (but the smart wallet did lol). First of all your dating partner will be surprised to know you have such a thing, it would be a real conversation starter, and then you can really wow them by speaking their words back to them at the same time because the smart wallet has already told you what your dating partner will say. I recommend at most 2 minutes of this as it can start to get really freaky, there is a line here and I have found two minutes of saying the exact same thing at the same time of someone to be the limit, I speak from experience please do not go over the two minute mark
A clean shirt and a dirty smile
Never underestimate the importance of a clean shirt. Whatever gender you are, everyone I think looks better in a clean crisp shirt that's been nicely ironed. I'm not saying this is for everyone, but it's for most people and if you can wear a clean crisp shirt then you probably should. If you must, a skirt- or pant suit is appropriate but no prints. When it comes to colours, darker colours (navy, black, grey) are best. Blouse should be solid or have small stripes. No florals. Neck rings, or neck piercings should be kept to a minimum. Stud earrings are best; if you wear dangling earrings, they should be short. One bracelet at the most (if you wear a watch, skip the bracelet). Necklace should be single strand and not too long. You notice that I have not given any mention to the dirty smile part, and that should tell you everything you need to know about it.
How to end the date
Never underestimate the importance of how you end the date. I had thought about first impressions but statistics now show that how you end the date is actually more important than how you start it. Imagine, if you will, showing up for a date with no means of paying for the meal you intend to have together because the machine swallowed your card because you used your card in a squash centre you played squash at the previous day where there was fraud going on, but ended the date on a high because you were able to sing the entire song 'always' from Bon Jovi in a pretty good, but also slightly ironic way. What would your date remember the most? You might end up having a pretty turbulent but exciting relationship for two years off the back of this, or you might never see your date again, but the point I am trying to make is, if you are two nil down at half time, there is still room to come out in that second half with a positive attitude and finish the game as best you can. There are many songs you can learn the lyrics to.
Those are the five (now six) most important dating tips I can think of, but perhaps the most important one of all is simply to be calm and treat it like the most important job interview of your life because it just might well be. I hope, in reading this, you have learnt a little about yourself and will go forward with more confidence that before you started reading this blog, you timid shy little mouse you! If this goes well, I might even review some dating apps based on my own experiences with them.
One final tip, simply do not date, it will only lead to pain and heartache and in some cases death, logically speaking you would be better off with friends, friends are much more reliable and they won't rip out your fucking heart just a thought, just a thought
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